jadedjada

Title: His Heart is Steel, Part 13
Summary: We look into the universe from which everyone’s favorite mechanical monster first originated. A meeting is placed and a plan is set, as we begin the series of events and inner turmoils that cause the once lovable Pollo to become the evil, vengeful villain known as Mechakara.
Characters: Angry Joe, Lisa, Spoony, Insano, Linkara, Marzgurl, and Pollo.
Warnings: ...Nothing, actually. Yeah, this is really more of a "filler" chapter in between all that grief. Well, mostly filler. The plot does move forward some, but you know. Comic relief.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, all characters belong to their rightful owners.

Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, and part 12. Enjoy!

“Find anything yet, Lieutenant?”

“Not yet...ooh, wait! I think I see some Coors down here!”

“Ugh. Keep looking!”

Angry Joe was standing eagerly by the almost empty mini-bar in the former basement of the Nostalgia Critic. His trusty Lieutenant and second-in-command, Lisa Foiles, was on her hands and knees rummaging through the bottom cupboards for any semblance of leftover booze. Only her lower half was visible from around the counter, leaving Joe basically reserving all non-thirsty instincts focused on trying not to ogle. Lisa was his best friend, and as much as he would occasionally tease her with the concept of “re-populating the species” and things like that, he did have complete respect for her strict “look, don't touch” policy.

But damned if the girl didn't have a figure, and work it too.

“Ah-ha! Here we go!” Lisa exclaimed as she finally stood up, tossing her platinum blond hair behind her head. In her hand she held a half-full bottle of Wild Turkey Standard, and on her face her pink painted lips were grinning like a banshee. “Search and you shall discover, am I right?”

“All right Lisa!” Joe clapped his hands in excitement and all but leaped over to the higher cupboards to get glasses. Damn right they should be getting wasted at a time like this; they deserved as much. Even if the dude they saw nailing bots earlier wasn't really the Critic, as Linkara and the rest were sad to tell them upon returning from the whole ordeal. Just some poor sucker fighting to the last, and who didn't make it. It was a shame...Joe had been sorta looking forward to seeing his old boss again. Catching up on the good, non-robot war times.

But hey, bright side! They had their safe haven, one that was packed with awesome new weapons and apparently even closer to PAOLAs base than they'd hoped! Just one step closer to winning the day. If that wasn't worth a little celebration, Joe didn't know what was.

Lisa eagerly popped open the bottle and poured out its contents into the two glasses Joe slammed down on the counter. “Hey, do you think we oughta share this stuff?” she asked as they each picked one up. “The rest of the gang might be hankering too, after all.”

The two of them looked blankly at each other for a solid fifteen seconds, before bursting into uproarious laughter. “Oh, that was good, lieutenant.” Joe wiped a tear from his eye. “That was really damn good.”

Lisa held up her glass triumphantly. “Here's to an awesome-tabulous victory for the human race!”

“And many more awesome-tabulous victories come tomorrow!” Joe replied.

With that they clinked their glasses and drank.

Indeed, the next day turned out to be quite the busy one.

The sun had just barely risen in the sky when they headed out. “They” being himself and Lisa, along with Doctor Insano and Marzgurl. According to the Doc, his sensory-doodad-whatever indicated PAOLAs base was some miles north-east of where they were. Their job was to go over and get some sort of interior analysis of the place. How they were going to accomplish this, Joe had no idea. He was a doer, not a planner. So long as it involved shooting things, he was more than happy to help.

After a while they got near what looked like some sort of borg-esque factory-type place. No doubt this was what they were looking for. There were Paola-bots everywhere, lining up the walls, scouting the areas. The crew had to stay some ways away to plan shit out, hidden behind the remains of a broken-down building.

“All right,” Insano whispered, “Here's how we're going to do this. Marzgurl, I need you to come with me and cover my back best you can while I go along the walls of that there building. I'll be placing these devices...” here he unzipped a pack he was carrying on him and pulled out a weird metal thingamabob with legs, “...on the ground by the base walls, where they will burrow under the building and into the floorboards, and release a type of nano-scanning amplifier into the magnetic pulses of the technologically-defined areas, initializing the layout patterns of-”

“In English, Doc!” Joe interrupted impatiently.

Insano gave a sigh. “I'm going to put these little machines in the floor, and they're going to tell us what the place looks like on my computers back home.”

Joe nodded. Made sense to him.

“Anyway, as you can see there are a lot of enemies down there. Marzgurls insurance will help, but it won't be enough. I need you two to go over there first and divert their attention, simultaneously clearing the area as much as possible so that-”

“Go kick robot ass and lay waste, gotcha.” Joe replied, already up and cocking his machine guns. He had two, as usual, one in each hand, as well as a fuckton of ammo and grenades packed underneath his leather jacket, and several back-up pistols tucked in the pockets of his black jeans. “Ready for this, lieutenant?”

“Laying waste for the win!” Lisa shouted, hopping up. Her grenades were not hidden, but she didn't have as many of them. She preferred to shoot, ever since she discovered that robots could blow up of their own accord with a well-aimed shot. She wore her usual army-looking green dress and hat, as well as a jacket so short it basically just provided sleeves. Marzgurl could scoff at her fashion choices all she wanted; neither of them gave a damn. She just felt confident like that, and as she herself would attest to, soldiers fight best when feeling chipper.

“Now remember, there are a ton of bots out there,” Insano said urgently, “More than you're used to. So pace yourselves, for Teslas' sake, and proceed with the utmost-”

“FOR NARNIAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Lisa cried exuberantly, charging forward.

“Hey, wait for me! YO METAL-HEADS!” Joe began charging close behind her, ignoring Insanos' protests of “CAN'T I JUST FINISH A FREAKING SENTENCE WITH YOU TWO...” It didn't take long for the Paola-bots to notice them coming, and they met with an extreme force of their own. It was awesome.

The two moved fast, zigzagging through the muddy field to avoid getting hit, ducking behind whatever they could and shooting anything that moved. Lisa was at the top of her game, rattling those machine guns of hers like crazy, taking down bots like dominoes. Every so often she'd hit one just right and the explosion would be deafening, expanding to ten or twenty others in a glorious chain-effect. “WOO-HOO!” She cheered when half the battle-ground ended up in flames, her eyes shining as brightly as they did.

As for Joe, well, he certainly wasn't about to let himself be outdone by his own lieutenant! He ran through the field like a madman, hammering his guns and cackling to the sky. All around him bots were falling...twenty? Thirty? Who was keeping score? In any case, he was killing a lot of them, and moving so fast his bullets flew from all sides, and the poor old buckets of bolts were almost too disoriented to shoot. Not that it made a difference when they did; Joe was ducking, dodging, leaping, taking advantage of every vantage point he could muster up, tossing grenades while hiding, only to leap up with pistols whenever he cam close to being found. Nothing could touch him. He was invincible!

It was a glorious battle and, Joe was just humble enough to admit, a rather difficult one. The army was huge, bigger than most, numbering in dozens, maybe hundreds of Paola-bots. Again, who was keeping score? But hey, if ever there were two people capable of bringing down a robot army, it was Commander Angry Joe and Lieutenant Lisa. The dynamic duo. The three musketeers minus one. King and Queen of machine annihilation.

And so it was that eventually their combined efforts dwindled PAOLAs precious forces down to nothing. The bots were all down without so much as a twitch, and the doors of the base finally stopped opening for more. Joe and Lisa ceased fire upon seeing this, pausing for a moment to catch their breath. After a minute, they looked at each other and grinned.

“WE DID IT!!!” Lisa cheered, jumping up and down with her arms in the air.

“POINT ONE FOR TEAM FLESH AND BLOOD!!!” Joe hollered, pumping a fist. The two rejoiced happily over their victory, culminating in high-fives and a chest bump. Said chest bump caused Lisa to step back for a moment, clutching her abdomen painfully. Joe winced in sympathy.

“Yeah, seriously, we need to stop doing that. It just doesn't work on girls.”

“No! It's essential to complete the triumphant moment!...ow...”

“GUYS!” Insanos' shrill voice cut into the celebration. He was running towards them from the side of the base, with Marzgurl following close behind. “We got the job done. Excellent work covering for us, but now we have to go! More are coming, tons more, and we need to save our energy.”

“Let's make for the tunnel!” Joe said, immediately ready for action again. “Come on, we'll cover the rear!”

So they ran, the four of them, back to the passage that would take them safely home free, with Lisa and Joe shooting behind them for good measure, laughing like kids on sugar-highs.

War was fun, sometimes.

Later that day, the crew was gathered around in what looked to be the former master bedroom of the house, as it was the only room on the second floor big enough to hold everybody. Instead of a bed, however, there was a large table that everyone stood around, on which was a big hand-drawn map that Linkara placed down for all to see, as he laid out what would essentially be their plan for the future.

“As Insanos' scans have clearly shown us,” he began, “this here is pretty much the exact layout for the interior of PAOLAs base. As you can see, it's pretty damn easy for someone to get lost, which is why we're going to have to be very precise in all of this.”

Joe was standing directly across from Linkara, next to a rather fidgety Lisa. He saw Pollo, Linkaras' little robot buddy, bobbing beside his master as though trying to get his attention.

Linkara...

“Not now, Pollo.” Linkara answered, waving his hand dismissively. “Anyways, here's what we've got. PAOLAs “safety points”, whose existence we'd previously determined, are positioned here, here, and here.” At this he pointed to three areas on the map with circles around them. “The first point, the one closest to the front entrance, is the computer PAOLA uses to gain access to its overriding capabilities. This will have to be the first thing to go. Marzgurl, you will lead the away team consisting of Joe and Lisa into this area, as between the three of you you have the best shot at, well, survival.”

Marzgurl nodded silently. Beside him, Joe could see Lisa pout slightly in that way she does when something worries her.

“Once that computer's been deactivated, it'll mean a massive reduction of obstacles, but not necessarily no obstacles at all. No doubt PAOLA has a backup plan, after all. Spoony and Insano, while the three of them are doing that, you'll have to sneak around to the back and get close to the other “safety point”, and deactivate the computer used for virus and hacking protection of PAOLA. Do not make a move until you know the others have made theirs. There will be a heavy defence system around that area, even with most of the bots dead, so be on your toes.”

Spoony and Insano both nodded.

“Finally, once all that's been done, Liz, Pollo and I will head in through the front and straight on to the centre of the building. There we will end up facing the master
computer...machine...thing itself. It'll be a large room, no doubt with defences all its own. In that room will be another machine, one it's directly connected to. Liz and I will weaken PAOLA, distract it, so that we can get Pollo to this machine. And Pollo, you will have the most important job of all. Your abilities will make you
able to connect to PAOLA, reach the direct core of its databanks. It'll be simple; you look through the data, find the mainest of main power sources, where the artificial intelligence itself resides, and shut it the Hell off. The software will crash, we destroy everything else, and BOOM! The world is saved. Think you can handle that, Pollo?”

Yeah, sure, whatever. But Linkara...

“Just a minute, okay? Now, I have here memory cards with a map of the place so you won't get lost.” Here he took out a bunch of computer chips and handed them out to everyone. “Just plug them in to the little doodads Insano gave you when we left. This is going to be difficult, people. And very risky. But if we stick precisely to this plan, and everything goes well, this will be the event that saves the human race. So who's ready to save this planet??”

“YEAH!!!” Everyone except Marzgurl cheered, Joe of course louder than anybody.

“Alrighty then!” answered Linkara, “Relax today, all of you, and make sure you have everything ready. We move out tomorrow.”

And with that the group disbanded, most of whom went downstairs to do whatever. Lisa, however, motioned for Joe to come to her, and lead him some ways down the hall.

“What's up, Lisa?” Joe asked with concern.

“Have you noticed how Marzgurl hasn't been talking at all lately? Like, at all at all? Earlier today I walked past her room deliberately singing Final Countdown as loud as I could, and you know what? She didn't tell me to shut it! Not once! She didn't even so much as walk up to smack me upside the head! It was weird!”

That was very weird, and in fact Joe had noticed similar behaviour himself. Usually Marzgurl was their boisterous demanding head soldier, constantly belittling them and bossing them around. Joe didn't mind all that much. As bad as it sounded, he had fun with harsh authority, liked pushing buttons. Besides, what right did he have to be mean to anybody? As far as going through an apocalypse goes, Joe and Lisa had it easy, easier than anyone else. Being trained soldiers in the Angry Joe army, as they were, they were prepared for attacks from all sides. Course, that didn't stop their station from being destroyed, or most of their army from being obliterated, and he was sorry for that. But he pulled through, ever the commanding officer, with Lisa always by his side. They had a lot to be thankful for, and they knew that pretty much everyone else...didn't. So they were optimistic, and cheerful to everybody, even grumpy old Marzgurl. Whatever happened to her to cause her to be that way was none of his affair. They resolved to just let it be.

But as of late Marzgurl had just been distancing herself from everyone, even more so than usual. Sure, she had been pretty cold and stoic ever since the war started, but at least it wasn't this bad. At least she talked.

“I'm telling you, it's all because of the incident with Nostalgia Chick.” Lisa whispered intently, “When she died, that's when it all started. I mean think about it. She was always the one who cared for her before. It would affect her, wouldn't it?”

“I dunno,” muttered Joe, “She only did what she was ordered to, after all. I mean, sure, we were all sad when Chick died, but Marzgurl of all people...”

Lisa suddenly gave a loud gasp, her mouth formed into a giant O of surprise. “I can hear the Super Mario Land song downstairs!” She said excitedly. “Somebody found a Gameboy somewhere! Oh, I hope they'll let me play! I love that game!” With that she hurried across the hall and down the stairs, evidently in search of the source of the music Joe couldn't even hear himself.

Such was Lisas' attention span when it came to video games.

Joe sighed and walked down the hall himself, hoping to find himself some munchies to snack on. As he crossed the master bedroom, however, he heard voices. Being rather a nosy sort of person, Joe couldn't help but feel curious enough to lean his head against the door and listen.

“Okay Pollo, I'm listening.” came the sound of Linkara's voice. “There was something you wanted to tell me, right?”

Yes, there is. Pollo sounded agitated. There is, and has been for the past day or so. I've been trying and trying to get the chance to talk with you, but you've just been so busy!

Joe could practically hear Linkara soften up, if that made any sense. “Gosh, I'm sorry little buddy. There's just been so much going on, and I've been...well...distracted by more than a few things.”

You've been avoiding Insano, right? I notice you tense up whenever he-

“That's not important right now. Look, of course I want to hear whatever you have to say. Tell you what. Meet up with me after dinner tonight, okay? I'll make up time just so we can talk, however long you need to. Would that work out for you, Pollo?”

There was a pause. And then, Yes, yes it would. Thank you very much, Linkara. That means more to me than you know.

“Hey, what are best friends for?”

Joe left it at that, his curiosity satisfied and his sense of manhood slightly grossed out by all the mush. He walked downstairs, thinking to himself how Marzgurl must indeed be completely loco! All that talk of how Pollo was a liability, how he couldn't be trusted. What bullshit! Not a cute little dude like Pollo.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Dinner that night was a joyous time. It had been a good long while since everybody had sat together in a big old table like this one, let alone with this much food. Apparently the Critic kept a mighty stock when he was alive. There was food here that none of them could even remember the last time they'd eaten! It made up for the lack of hard whiskey by far.

They ate, they talked, they joked and they laughed. Even Spoony was in a good mood. There was something about being this close to victory, having gone so far so fast, that lifted a heavy weight in the group. Suddenly they weren't living in endless trouble anymore. The trouble had an end, and a bright one at that. For the first time in a while they felt the possibility of living a real life. And it felt good, damn good. Better than blowing up robots.

“Can I have your attention, please?” Linkara called out when everyone had pretty much eaten their fill. He stood up and clinked his spoon against his glass, which was of course filled with Ginger Ale, even though there was plenty of beer to be had. Pussy. “I'd like to propose a toast.” He announced. “To all of you, for coming through all the bad times, and banning together when it mattered most. There isn't a single person here who I can't say was crucial in what they brought. Without you...we all wouldn't be where we are today. So cheers to that.”

“Cheers to that,” everyone repeated, raising cups and beer cans in unison.

“Also, cheers to everyone in the world who might not have been so lucky as us.” This he said with a more solemn tone. “Whether they're still out there somewhere, praying for a brighter tomorrow with no way of actually reaching them, or whether they fell, like so many, in the process of trying. What we've done, what we're about to do, is all for them. Here's to the fallen.”

Everyone raised their drinks again. Spoony took a particularly generous swig from his own beer. Then Insano stood up.

“Yes, here's to the fallen indeed, and may we never have to see them fall again. May we take advantage of what we have, for the good of protecting them. May we not let anymore blood be shed in our unknowing name.”

There was an awkward silence. Joe honestly had no idea what to respond with, other than pure confusion. What in nine fucks was the Doc going on about? Whatever it was, Linkara sure looked pissed about it. Pissed and...kinda nervous. It was bizarre.

Spoony probably sensed the awkwardness, and didn't want to have it lead to hostility towards Insano, because it only took a minute for him to stand up too. “Hey everyone!” he said, “Lisa and I found a bunch of Gameboy shit downstairs! We got Mario, Tetris, Legend of Zelda, you name it! Anyone in?”

“You betcha I'm in!” exclaimed Lisa, hopping up.

“Yeah, I'm there.” Iron Liz replied gamely, her golden curls bouncing as she too stood up.

And so everyone quickly left, except Linkara and Insano, down to the den to play some non cable-electric video games. Marzgurl didn't join them, but went upstairs to her own quarters, probably to brood some more.

Joe was the last person to head down, looking hesitantly behind him at the two fuming men before shaking his head and hurrying to join the others. He was all for getting involved with a good fight, so long as there were guns being used and he could, you know, win. But whatever was going on between those two losers looked very much like the kind of battle nobody walked out of victoriously.

And, as far as he could tell, it didn't involve guns at all.